Nostalgia for Lockdown
I got Covid this week.
It was about time. Everyone else was doing it, why not me.
I’m not saying it was easy. I had to let go of the fact that I didn’t have Covid for a start. That little frisson of excitement that the government might be coming for me. That I’d be discovered in an underground research facility having bloods drawn to discover the secret to ending the Pandemic. It’s a particularly masochistic type of narcissism.
My denial lasted right up until that second little red line emerged. Only then did I give in to the tiredness in my body. To be honest that’s been the main symptom for me. Sure there’s been coughing and snot, but it’s the bone tiredness that truly overwhelms me.
On the first day I felt genuinely sick, even though I told myself I was fine.
Day two and I thought I felt fine, so I went about cleaning the house for half the day. Of course I wasn’t fine and so that half day of effort ruined me for the second half and I crashed.
Days three and four I genuinely was feeling a lot better. These days I worked on the computer telling myself that I probably could be at work but for the pesky red lines. It was not a comfortable feeling as I had this niggling sense that I was somehow bludging my way through a thing that was now just proteins on a nasal swab.
Of course it isn’t just proteins on a nasal swab, it’s the potential for those proteins to spread around until they find someone uniquely more vulnerable than I am. My brain is telling me ‘normal’ when it’s all still anything but.
I made it through two and a half years without catching Covid, all the while staying put in my house with a lot more grace than I’m currently mustering. Let’s not pretend I loved it but I felt something like solidarity with all those (and it was really all of us) who were locking down for the common good.
Today (Day Six) and I’m trying to rekindle a little of that common good vibe because I’m struggling feeling like I’m not being useful. Back in lockdown staying put was useful but now it feels more like a pause on the things that would really be useful.
Maybe I need to get back to one of the books I’m reading. It says something that I’ve rekindled this strange outlet for longform brain dumps.
It’s sunny outside. Will it look suss if I return to work with a tan?!
